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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 71 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Sep 4, 2012 12:05pm PDT
a liberal america and a conservative america. there is the united states of america. >> my god, he's good. >> there is not a black america and a white america and latino america and asian america. it's the united states of america. >> every time barack obama speaks, an angel has an anointed. >> we are the ones we've been waiting for. >> i don't even know what that means, but holy [bleep] i'm feeling it. >> we coach little league in the blue state, and yes, we've got a good friends in the west state. >> now, at the precipice of a new age, one man seems ready enough to lead. one man who will once more unite the world. >> ♪ the circle of life >> barack obama. [cheers and applause] >> welcome back. my guest tonight, a united states senator representing the great state of indiana. please welcome senator evan bayh. sir, thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] historic night. huge night for the democratic party. the speech, wow, that was, you know -- you know, that was great. >> i'll take your word for it, jon. >> it's happening later on. >> yeah. >> have you had a chance to spend
Comedy Central
Sep 4, 2012 12:35pm PDT
accept your nomination for the presidency of the united states. >> yes, great humility. a less humble man might have delivered his speech at the grand canyon. my god. while the venue may not have been modest, obama's presidential agenda surely was modest. >> i will rebuild our military to meet future conflicts. i will restore our moral standing. i will end this war in iraq. i will also renew the tough, direct diplomacy. i will cut taxes. i will build new partnerships to defeat the threats of the 21st century, terrorism and nuclear proliferation, poverty, genocide, climate change and disease. >> and then, on my second day. i will put everything back. on my second day, everything will go back to the way it was. give me something to do on my third day. and then. if senator obama's positive vision of the future didn't do anything for you, perhaps i could interest you in a negative look at the past. >> we love this country too much to let the next four years look just like the last eight. on november 4th, we must stand up and say, eight is enough. >> jon: we must take it one day at
Comedy Central
Sep 26, 2012 1:30am PDT
pacificlife.com. ♪ >> stephen: my guest tonights the 42nd president of the united states. the annual initiative quicks off this thursday, please welcome back to the program president bill clinton. (cheers and applause) >> thank you, thank you. >> jon: let me ask you, so give any good speeches lately? or, how did that feel at the convention? could you tell that you were crushing it as you were doing it? did you feel that? >> yes and no but, you know, what i mean by that is i work so hard on that, for weeks and weeks and weeks. and then the white house designated bruce reed who worked for vice president biden now, and worked with me for eight years. >> jon: right. >> and worked with erskine bowles on that budget project to help me. and gene sperling, the national economics adviser who also worked with me for eight years came in and we worked the last day and a half after doing all this other work. and i was just determined to get the facts right and i, and to simplify the argument. >> right. >> without being simplistic. i didn't want to talk down to people. i wanted to explain what i t
Comedy Central
Sep 7, 2012 12:35am PDT
president. (cheers and applause) i want barack obama to be the next president of the united states. >> four more years! >> jon: no, no you know, i can't, i already served my two terms. no, i get it, i get what you're saying, man, but jus just-- the constitution is what-- oh, you me-- oh, okay. (laughter) bill clinton feeds off an audience like superman drawing power from the earth. yellow sun. that obligation will be determined by their salary. this will change the future for young americans. (cheers and applause) >> jon: whoo! so after an inspiring but tight 35 minutes stem winder-- what, that wasn't the end, now that brings me to health care. >> jon: 35 minutes into this thing are you really going to go to health care t is past 11:00 t is kind of a complicated subject, but have at it. >> let me ask you something, are we better off because president obama fought for health-care reform? you bet we are. >> jon: thank you, good night, everybody. and god bless those of you who can still catch the very end of the cowboys giants game on -- >> there were two other attacks on the president in tamp
Comedy Central
Sep 7, 2012 11:30pm PDT
united states of america. >> god bless these united states. ( laughter ). >> stephen: folks, with that much in common, it's good to know they can still despise and distrust each other. folks, it's actually what they agree on that divide us the most. you see, they agree that he created obamacare. they agree that he bailed out detroit. they agree he passed the stimulus. that's where the clear choice comes. because all the republicans are saying is our country needed help, and look what balm did. obama did. well the democrats keep saying, our country needed help, and look what obama did! ( cheers and applause ) and, folks, and, folks, that vast distinction means this is not just the most important election of our lifetimes. it's actually the most important inflection of our lifetime. ( laughter ) back to you, stephen. thanks, stephen. that was good? ( laughter ) we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you very much. thank you. folks, i have to tell you as disturbing as watching the democrats destroy our country is, it is more upsetti
Comedy Central
Sep 26, 2012 10:45am PDT
emissary of the united states our president, i know, was scheduled to meet with you today. (laughter) he was not doing a stupid t.v. show. (laughter) he was very busy with strategic-- meetings. (laughter) whoopi goldbergstan, i believe it is. >> i heard. >> jon: that the talk of-- you were at the u.n. today. does anyone-- is there any discussion amongst world leaders about the american president not being available for face-to-face meetings? is that not a-- is that upsetting? >> not that i heard, no. i think everybody's there preparing for their speeches and in side meets with other leaders. that was not an issue. >> jon: so we are, in fact, perhaps, in some respects blowing this out of proportion? >> most likely, probably. (laughter) >> jon: although inside it does hurt a little bit, doesn't it? (laughter) how are things? you are neighbors with-- for some perspective with our audience who believe you're somewhere off the coast of bermuda-- (laughter). you are bordered by iraq, syria-- >> yes. >> jon: israel and saudi arabia. >> egypt. >> jon: and egypt. so how are things? (laughter)
Comedy Central
Sep 25, 2012 11:30pm PDT
right. can you-- i'm very excited about the fact that we have the united states-- the united states has you as our pioneer in this but i was always taught not to hit a lady, okay? is it okay for me to do that now? (laughter) >> um-- don't hit me. >> stephen: don't hit you? no, because it would be the last punch i ever throw. (laughter) do i look punchable? i've been told i've got a punchable head. (laughter) where would you punch me? right here? a (laughs) right here? and then once the blood stopped-- (laughter). would you just here is my head off with one punch? >> no, i would say sorry for hitting you. >> stephen: oh, that's nice. but it would feel good for you because i would start crying. >> (laughs) yeah, that would make my day. (laughter) >> stephen: well, please come back another time and throw a punch at me. >> all right. >> stephen: thank you so much. olympic gold medalist claressa shields! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ most paints have color that sits on the surface. but nothing beats benjamin moore's color lock technology that locks color right in, no matter
Comedy Central
Sep 7, 2012 7:10pm PDT
economic history of the united states. the stock markets collapsing, net worth of people down 40, 50%, in a couple month period. i'm getting calls from people in the economics profession saying what is this is how the depression began am come up with plan b. once the depression starts then what are you going to do. the thought that somebody would say oh, yeah, i would like to switch places from now to go back then when we're losing 800,000 jobs a month is like a joke. were they asleep. there they were on vacation,. >> jon: it is ludicrous. but were they asleep is my question. >> they might have been. >> jon: because i watched the republican convention. and i was astonished, you would have thought the republican party formed three and a half years ago. that they strung up-- sprung up out of a well spring, they are you produced by force and that there was no memory of any republican initiatives that had ever been done in the history of the country. it was all like, folks, three and a half years ago we woke up and decided to take this country back. and you're like, they had the debt clock out
Comedy Central
Sep 5, 2012 11:30am PDT
part of the united states. slavery going until 1898. who would be enslaving you in 1898 in new york? >> the dutch. >> stephen: the dutch. [laughter] you see the dutch on -- >>in exactly. [laughter] >> stephen: moving on. your parents were caribbean immigrants, correct. >> that's correct. >> where in the crib yen were -- caribbean were your parents. >> in jamaica. my mother grew up on a farm and my father grew up in the city. >> stephen: what did your mother's family grow on the farm. was the ganja. >> no. >> stephen: i don't know. i'm not familiar with any other crop. >> why did you get ganja from. >> stephen: i listen to a fair amount -- all my friends in the industry want to have a pool party, an uprising. great music. get up stand up get up for your rights. that's what my friends on wall street are trying to do. >> don't give up the fight. >> stephen: no. fight. i believe that's what marley was talking about. do you want to let the bush tax cuts expire. >> i think the bike bush tax cus definitely need to expire. >> stephen: that would put an undue burden on guys like me, the top
Comedy Central
Sep 20, 2012 1:10am PDT
must promise today not to remove the word america from united states of america. [ laughter ] he must vow -- he must vow never to sign any bill that sets your tax rate to your pants size. [ laughter ] and he must assure us that the oval office will never be turned into a buffalo wild wing. [ laughter ] and as milt mitt slowly enumerates all possible actions he won't take, by process of elimination we'll figure out what he will do it's like a game of political mind sweeper. final you click on the wrong square your social security explodes. so my fellow americans this election ask not what your country can can do for you, ask what mitt romney will not do for your country. and that's the word. we'll be private back. [cheers and applause] -- we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] g'head. try it- where's the nearest jack in the box? i found 4 places that sell socks. not socks. jack in the box. a yak is a long-haired bovine. that's true. i like things that work, like my no- nonsense all-american jack combo. it has two 100% beef patties, melting cheese, lettuce and tomato plus fries and
Comedy Central
Sep 13, 2012 10:50am PDT
watched with bated breath. >> i accept your nomination for president of the united states. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: oh, my god, thank god, i was so sure he was going to break up with us. oh, my god. oh, my god. oh, my god! he still thinks we can make this work. so america sat down, leaned forward and waited to see if he would deliver that old obama magic. >> we believe that when a c.e.o. pays his auto workers enough to buy the cars that they built, the whole company does better. we believe that when a family can no longer be tricked into signing a mortgage they can't afford, that family's protected, but so is the value of other people's homes. we believe the little girl who is offered an escape from poverty by a great teacher on a grant for college could become next steve jobs. >> jon: ♪ we believe we can fly ♪ he had it again. but every moment of soaring rhetoric was tempered with a more sober reality. >> i won't pretend the path i am offering is quick or easy. i never have. >> jon: ♪ we believe we can fly. . but obviously flying carries with it some inherent risk. in 2008
Comedy Central
Sep 18, 2012 12:35am PDT
, crude and nasty movie made in the united states and released on you-tube, "innocence of muslims" it's called. it depicts the prophet mohammed as a dope, a fraud, a pedophile and womanizer >> jon: it's you-tube. i mean nobody pays attention to you-tube. why not have some fun with it. that will be the last we hear of it. what's that now in >> u.s. embassies and continuesate las under siege in middle east. africa and even asia. this map shows the unrest spreading to more than a dozen nations. >> jon: i see. that brings us to tonight's segment, actual democalypse. all this destruction and bloodshed was over a dumb internet video made by some [bleep]. and promoted by... ( applause ) ... and it was promoted by the koran-burning florida pastor terry jones. i believe we have a clip of him as well. >> a very naughty boy. now go away. >> who are you? i'm his mother, that's who jon: i'm being told that is a very different terry jones mocking a different world religion in a film that has been round for 3 years. well, that must be a lot of burned embassies... really? none at all. fair enough. look
Comedy Central
Sep 21, 2012 12:35am PDT
... we'll >> stephen: my guest tonights the 42nd president of the united states. the annual initiative quicks off this thursday, please welcome back to the program president bill clinton. (cheers and applause) >> thank you, thank you. >> jon: let me ask you, so give any good speeches lately? or, how did that feel at the convention? could you tell that you were crushing it as you were doing it? did you feel that? >> yes and no but, you know, what i mean by that is i work so hard on that, for weeks and weeks and weeks. and then the white house designated bruce reed who worked for vice president biden now, and worked with me for eight years. >> jon: right. >> and worked with erskine bowles on that budget project to help me. and gene sperling, the national economics adviser who also worked with me for eight years came in and we worked the last day and a half after doing all this other work. and i was just determined to get the facts right and i, and to simplify the argument. >> right. >> without being simplistic. i didn't want to talk down to people. i wanted to explain what i t
Comedy Central
Sep 18, 2012 6:40pm PDT
incredibly amateurish, crude and nasty movie made in the united states and released on youtube, innocence of muslims, it's called. and it depicts the prophet mohammad as a dope, a fraud, a pedophiler and womanizer. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: sorry, must have slipped. now folks, i may not agree with what this fill am says, but i will fight to the death for its right to say it. obviously minus the i feith and death part. and folks, i have decided not to play the film out of sensitivity to me still living. but let me try to calm the global situation. muslim viewers, i have viewed the video on youtube. it combines the production values of a basement porno, the acting talent of an 18 century syphilis sanatorium and a script transcribed from arguments overheard in a bus station bathroom. not good. but you see, our constitution means we can't stop people from making movies that are stupid or grossly offensive. for instance, we made three transformers. where were the mobs then? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: where were the riots? however horrible this movie may be,
Comedy Central
Sep 17, 2012 10:55am PDT
moral values. >> the united states of america is the greatest job generating opportunity-expanding country ever created! >> jon: yes, republicans we know god, faith, family, jobs, it's... sorry? oh, those were the democrats? (laughter) (bleep) really? yes, if you tuned in last night, not only would you have gotten a strong dose of supposedly republican-owned themes of family values, self-reliance and faith, the democrats even threw in some bonus patriotism, including talk of military families, sacrifice, and actual war heroes! in much the same way that last week the republicans loaded up their stage with diversity to fight the notion they're a party of white guys. last night, the democrats pushed back on their stereotype with so many soldiers and clergymen you could almost forget you were watching the democratic convention. >> i'm jewish, i'm gay, i'm a father. >> jon: almost. (laughter) (cheers and applause) of course, democrats had the diversity angle well covered by filling the convention hall with democrats. (laughter) yet, black people, asians, sikhs, jews, muslims, hippies! v
Comedy Central
Sep 4, 2012 11:00pm PDT
united states. >> he's responsible for the entire country. >> it's difficult. >> it's so difficult. >> that's a slogan. >> not at this point. slogan is for future -- >> let us do it. >> okay. so that's what we're working for. >> i'm looking for a sloing, what have yo --slogan, what hav. >> yes, we can. >> yes, you can. >> what have you got now. >> yes we can but we need to. >> that was it. say it again. >> yes we can but. >> that's it. that's it. >> yes, we can. >> but. >> yes we can, but. >> this is completely out of control. >> no way. >> yes, we can. but. >> you can hear it. >> i mean -- >> yes, we can. but. >> three words. >> it's an extra word. >> that we'll learn from coast to coast, from city to shining city. yes, we, can. >> yes, we can. but. >> yes, we can. >> but. >> yes we can but. [laughter] [laughter] >> we're hear at north carolina i can honestly say it's one of the country -- south carolina. i see why james taylor spent so much time here. more from the dnc city [bleep] to be at the convention center magical on the scene and john oliver downtown which for some reason
Comedy Central
Sep 4, 2012 11:30am PDT
who is going to lead us into the next president of the united states. take that lieberman. they don't need you because schweitzer is in the house. what is the matter you are not jewish. that explains the bolo tie. ultimately it's the former presidential candidate and alien abduction dennis kucinich to ton yorabble rouser. >> wake up america. wake up america! [cheers and applause] >>jon: well, i have been in show biz for a long time. when you do this. isn't it supposed to be a puff of smoke or something like that. i mean a speech or end your shift playing black jack. of course not everyone chose to give a good speech. take the night's keynote speaker, governor of virginia mark this is washingto where barrac d himself into mark warner: "and then, a budds this new idea. this thing called "car telephones". yoyou are crazy go get a real j. nobody is going to want a phone in their car. with a lot of hard work i got into the ground floor of the cell industry. excuse me for a minute. >> hi, is mark there please? >> oh he's busy can i leave a message? you speech suuuks he made no ito sen
Comedy Central
Sep 28, 2012 10:50am PDT
, the current state of the world, everyone was expecting some high drama during this week's session. >> and now to that showdown over iran. >> all eyes are on the united nation. >> fiery rhetoric from the iranian president. >> next up of course the showdown over iran. we'll see it all play out at the united nations. >> jon: it's on, world war iii, president obama opened so he had a chance to draw first blood. >> the iran yen government continues to prop up a dictator in damascus and supports terrorist group as broad. time and again it has failed to take the opportunity to demonstrates that nuclear program is peaceful. >> jon: oh yeah. here it come, people, president obama is going to be like, so it is 0800, bombing starts in an hour, who here wants to be in a coalition of the winning because we're about to [bleep] democracy! (cheers and applause) >> so let me be clear, america wants to resolve this issue through diplomacy. >> jon: diplomacy? you're johnnie jones a lot. dr. seal team 6. the guy who made sure there's no i in bin laden. (laughter) and suddenly you're up there practical
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 71 (some duplicates have been removed)